It’s All Your Fault—and That’s a Good Thing
I don’t know where I first heard or read the phrase. But it’s been my personal mantra for the past year or so:
It’s all my fault.
It’s all my fault.
It’s all my fault.
And it’s been more liberating, and brought me greater happiness, than I could have ever imagined.
***
I’ve written several times in recent months about letting go of control. A hard lesson I’ve finally learned after decades of trying to bend the future to my will.
Gripping too tightly. Pushing harder to get what I want. Micromanaging to ensure (so you think) the number is hit, the target is reached, the goal is achieved.
When you’re running a business at scale, you can’t control everything. You must set the business up in a way that ultimately, it can run without you. Control is less useful as you grow. I’ve gotten better at this over the years—much better—but those old habits have still found ways to slip in.
I have enough conversations with entrepreneurs to know I’m not the only one.
***
I wanted to start with letting go of control because what I’m about to say may seem like the opposite. The phrase “it’s all my fault” is about taking back control—but real control, not the illusory kind that always feels like it’s slipping out of your hands.
Real control gives you confidence that you are in charge of your own life and your own choices in that life.
Real control is about making things your fault.
Almost everything that is happening to you (minus certain given circumstances), whether it’s going wrong or going right, is your fault. You can take that tactically, practically, or in a broader, cosmic sense. Doesn’t matter. The outcome is roughly the same.
The way you move through the world—the things you say, the things you do, the decisions you make—have ripple effects. Everywhere. On everything.
Acknowledging those effects, and taking responsibility for them, gives you a certain kind of power. To make different choices, if you’d like to. To change the path you’re walking on. To shift how you relate to the people in your life. To shape your future.
***
Assuming everything is your fault forces deep reflection, and even deeper analysis of why things are the way they are. Why is this all really happening? What actions did you take or not take to end up here?
Once you can acknowledge your influence, see it and understand it, you can consciously change it.
Earlier, I said that as a business gets bigger, its leader has to give up control. They become part of the company instead of the whole thing.
Practically speaking, that is true. But on this other level, this level of accountability and vulnerability, it’s actually the opposite.
A thousand different factors related to who you are, how you behave, what you say and what you do, have an exponential effect across the company. Your power isn’t diminished, it’s amplified. Stronger than ever.
You know what they say in Spiderman: “With great power comes great responsibility.”
And with great responsibility comes great agency—to not be a victim of your circumstances but the creator of them. Whatever decisions you make, good, bad, or otherwise, they are your decisions. And each day, you have the agency to make new ones.
***
This concept of everything being all your fault is not intended to crush you. It’s intended to free you. At least, that’s what it does for me.
It can feel oppressive to make everything your fault. But if it’s your fault, you can fix it. Or not. The point is that it’s up to you.
(So if this phrase takes you in a negative direction, too much into self-judgment and criticism, then I’d pick a new phrase that captures the same idea, with different words.)
You can’t control everything.
You can control yourself.
Making something your fault can lead to innumerable next steps: apologizing, changing your behavior, speaking up or staying quiet when you’ve historically done the opposite. Maybe you need to reinforce someone else’s accountability, because it was your fault that you took on too much yourself.
Whatever it is, it’s your fault. It’s your life.
And I want yours to be great.
