How to Use ‘We vs You’ Language Effectively with Your Team
A while back, I got an interesting email from David Hauser. If you aren’t familiar with David, he’s a serial entrepreneur, best known for building and then selling tech company Grasshopper for approximately $170 million.
The topic of the email stuck with me: We vs You.
According to David, “Stanford researchers found that messages with ‘you’ pronouns are less persuasive and reduce the audience's willingness to engage or collaborate with the speaker. In comparison, "we" pronouns signal shared perspectives and lead to more positive interactions.”
He gave an example: “It's the difference between saying ‘You're late on that report and you need to submit it by end of day’ and ‘We need that report by end of day, so let's talk about how we can make that happen.’”
The words we choose matter, and as a leader, I’m invested in using the words that can help me be most effective with my team.
So I like David’s advice, and I can see the value.
I also, however, see value in being able to do the opposite.
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As someone who is a high D on the DiSC Profile (high Dominance), it’s important for me to know when I need to be more sensitive, more collaborative. It’s not my natural style of communication, but depending on the team member, it may be the right one.
However, one of my strengths as a leader is letting people know exactly where they stand. I am direct, and I try very hard to be clear.
Many people, perhaps especially the kind who gravitate to my companies, like clear, specific direction. They are okay with brevity and getting down to business. Again, many but not all.
Using “you” language creates an intense feeling of accountability. And accountability is something I talk about a lot. A colleague of mine likes to say, “WE doesn’t get anything done. Taking action is an individual choice.”
The ability to switch between “you” and “we” is a handy tool. It’s nuanced, but here are a few examples of what it looks like in practice:
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Example 1: I know what I want, and I want you to do it.
There are certain things in your company that you probably want done a certain way.
- Handling a temperamental client you’ve worked with for 10 years
- Executing a process you could do with your eyes closed
- Hitting a sales target using the system you’ve built and run hundreds of times
Not every decision should be “my way or the highway,” but honestly…some of them will be. And if you know there’s a proven way that works, and your team is struggling or unsure, the best gift you can give them is certainty.
I would use “you” language in this situation. Be clear and specific.
Can you please call Client X—no email, no text—to smooth things over? Please point out that the delay in timeline was the result of him changing his mind on this decision. He may chew you out for a couple of minutes, but stay calm, kind, and firm. He will come around and ultimately be reasonable.
Example 2: I sort of know what I want, but I really want you to figure it out.
A client pulled me aside with the kind of higher-level problem companies get once they have put out many of their more immediate fires. “My team is great at implementing solutions if I tell them what to do. If I facilitate it, they can come up with solutions as well. But I want them to start flagging potential problems on their own, instead of waiting for me to call out an issue.”
Her team was used to looking to her for answers, and we needed to transition them into operating differently to come up with more of the answers themselves. I coached her to adjust her language slightly, using phrases that were intentionally more vague to open up conversation.
Something like. “I think we need to accomplish X. Thoughts?”
And then, the hardest part. Getting uncomfortable with the inevitable awkward silence. Waiting and not filling in the gap. THIS is the most difficult part of the transition, going from the person who has all the answers to the person who says very little at all.
Example 3: I know what I ultimately want, but you have to lead the way.
This type of conversation is usually about employee performance. So I will use either “we” or “you,” or a combination of both, depending on the person in front of me, how accountable I want to hold them, and how feasible I think it is for them to fix the problem. (e.g., If they’re a great team member who I think is ultimately in the wrong seat, beating them over the head with accountability probably won’t help.)
Some possible phrases to use:
What we need around here is X, and I’m not really getting that from you.
The organization/This role requires Y, and you aren’t hitting that standard. Can we adjust something to improve your performance?
And the quintessential direct question: What do you think?
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In my opinion, “we” and “you” should be terms that you deploy depending on the context of the conversation, the person in front of you, and your level of certainty about the path forward.
I don’t believe in hiding the ball from my employees. If I am fully confident in the answer, I ask for it directly (Can you do XYZ?). If my confidence level is 70% or less, then I really need to lean on my team and will use more “we” language to maximize their input (How should we tackle this?)
So…thoughts?
